NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.
Need to know Who’s Who? Check out the first installment of ‘Milla’s Diary.
I honestly am chucking in the towel. I cannot keep up with this diary, keep up with Dear One, keep up with where Pip has gone walkabout this time and keep up with my new bullet journal all at the same time. Good heavens, even trying makes me lunge for the gin and fags
cigarettes. Then there’s the dogs to think of, my grands and I haven’t caught up the Street in ages (how I loathe it when the call it “Corrie”). Just to give you some idea what I’m up against here is my To Do List….I haven’t figured out where it goes in my bullet journal, but my dear little Filipino Kitchen Maid Personal Assistant assures me it will become clear in time. I’ve watched the video a hundred times but can’t get past circles, 6 squares, pages???? In my day, ladies kept a discreet leather-bound calendar in their purse. On it went the days the husband would be away shooting, school exeats, Pony Club Camp, Asoct, and the days one needn’t bother with that dear little device that saved the day when one wanted to play after dark. Do the even make those any more? All condoms these days. As it should be. Let the man deal with it. I digress.
Me. Week of 18/1/2016
- Collect dry cleaning (not in butler’s contract. Footman has doctor’s note)
- Sign official portraits for next visit to who-knows-where
- Shop for Grand 1’s birthday–see if Mummy’s tiara is all paste & wrap.
- New Spanx (maid has to give evidence in court this week–traffic accident0
- Make valet trim Dear One’s nose and ear hair or do it self.
- Bribe Press Johnny to stop Pushy promoting new grandchild’s birth. Child will be too far below the success salt to matter.
- Ring Pushy to see if Xmas thank you was lost in post. Ask if she’s well–looking haggard (that will keep her away till Ascot).
- Write fundraising appeal for horrid old school for Dear One to avoid annual fundraising letter gnash.
- Persuade butler to do his bloody job for dinner with Cousin G and a few of our friends. 2 Dukes and an Earl ought to be posh enough for fecking Carson. Remember to text Earl not to bring newest bit of fluff.
- Restock purse with Mars bars.
- Select Valentine’s pants for Dear One and young chaps at the off license. Remember to compliment their calendar and praise inclusion of vouchers.
- Find dog #1’s favorite tennis ball. Heave sofa myself to avoid Collective Bargaining dispute.
- Take Pip to DIY center and get guts for our loo to stop Dear One gnashing over bloody thing running all night. Note to self: Wednesday is OAP discount day. Get with Pip’s schedule lass to work out timing.
- Letter of apology to lady in ticket booth for Pip’s remark on what they did in 1946. Old Dear wasn’t born till ’49.
- Find organic, free trade, fair labor, Bob’s your uncle breath mints for Dear One.
- Dentist appointment for Dear One.
- Order in Beige Cardi selection for M-i-l real birthday.
Make Dear One Choose.
- Order new horse coffee table book from me for M-i-l’s real birthday.
- Figure out Pip’s laptop. Won’t play girly films again. Ask off license boys. Tip well.
- Have P.M. to private tea to sooth ruffled feathers over Dear One’s latest “atrocity” letters that no one can read, but all are having cock-stands over.
Let him wallow on boobs? Perhaps not.
- Have Mrs. P.M. to separate private tea to remind Hubs thru Her that Dear One is FUTURE MONARCH. Skip tea, good Gin in the good silver. Ask about liquid foundation brand–looks natural. Remember newest style Spanx, size M, promised last meeting.
- Text Boy to remind of Papa’s winter funk and a text or two wouldn’t go amiss.
Switch off the Chopper Station Play Station for 5 minutes and text your aging father already!
- Text son to remind of Papa’s winter funk and a text of two wouldn’t go amiss.
Put down the booze and text dear old Daddy already!Have Grands make cards for Grandpapa and post them properly. Don’t skip house name like last time–it matters to our generation.
- Return m-i-l’s 27 voicemails on Dear One’s mobile to say we won’t be down for shooting this weekend and make up plausible reason why. Check file for last year’s excuse.
- Text OTH and reminder her of big brother’s winter funk and a bawdy text or two would lighten the gloom. Remind her to use story of my ex. Bucks Dear One up no end those.
- Text OTH’s husband to remind OTH to listen to voicemail from One.
- Write update for old school newsletter. Remember phrase “engaging in meaningful societal discourse.” Remember to thank Malawian Solicitor at the dry cleaners for the phrase and ask P.M. at tea to bump his paperwork up a few notches.Today, 3:30 pm, FORCE staff to put on Downton-ish dinner. Settle for Sainsbury’s Sole Meunière ready meal and tinned potatoes and that new Free Trade, Antiseptic, Free Range, Self-Driving Wine Dear One found on flood trip. [Note to self: Check status of tetanus jabs & Cholera jab due to flood zone purchase.] Insist on George I’s china or require powdered wigs daily.
- Find nightie to replace son’s Eton Cadet Force t-shirt for bedtime.
- Hoover front stairs (everyone has a doctor’s note).
There. Do you see what I have to juggle? The P.M. and the M-i-l have a STAFF to cope with this! Over here in the Mausoleum, it’s up to One. It’s always up-to-one. Whenever there’s a broken toilet, dog sick on the carpet or hair in Dear One’s ears it’s up to One. We wives of my generation are the descendants of the women who ruled the empire. We are descendants of Vice Reigns, Mrs. District Commissioner, Mrs. Colonel and all the rest. We pull on our girdles, slip on our pumps and keep our hair set. We are the backbone of the empire! We are Upper Class Wives! Who needs Sandhurst when you’ve been properly raised by Mummy?
Pass the gin…..