The spoof diary of a much-maligned royal wife and all-around good old broad.
Milla’s Diary, week ending June 12, 2013
NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.
Thanks to Nash Rambler for his encouragement!
June 5, 2013
Lovely lie in after the big “do” yesterday. Dear One [husband] grumping on ride home about The Boy [his eldest son] and Preggy getting all the press. Service a bore….bit hungover and all that pontificating nearly put me into a coma. Heard Rugby Boy [hub’s niece’s hubby] snore a bit in the back row–Right there with you, mate!
At home Dear One sipped his organic Chardonnay while I belted back a good stiff one before I died. He then proceeded to whinge on about Mummy and Randy [his little brother] till I was ready to scream–I was trying to catch up Coronation Street on the DVR and it was getting juicy.
Just got him to bed and was putting my feet up with a Jilly Cooper I somehow missed and the secret phone bleeped. Seems Pip [father-inlaw] is to have an Op tomorrow–very hush-hush do to the big bash yesterday. Can’t have a repeat of the Really Big Do Miss now can we?
June 6, 2013
Borrowed a car from one of the cleaning people and nipped up to the hosptial to check on Pip for the mother-in-law. Went in drag as, get this!, an old lady in jeans! What a hoot! Slipped right thru the press corridor unnoticed. Had to all but pee in a cup to prove who I was inside, but it was worth it. The old boy’s face light up like Christmas when I handed over the girlie mag I’d brought. Course he HAD to sneak a peak and set off every bell and whistle in the place! Bod Squad rushed in wielding paddles and smelling salts–can’t have him snuff it on their watch! One of the girls chided it him saying “You are a Randy Old Dear aren’t you, Sir?” Ole Pip gave her bum a squeeze and then forgot why he was doing so. Phone chirped while I was there–the Ex with a bawdy story he’d heard down the Club. Pip loved it, of course. Not so excited by the Organic Vegetable Pate that Dear One sent (it was due for mark-down, of course). I tell Dear One over and over–just something silly and dirty and he’ll be delighted. Like talking to a wall! Haza [hub’s younger son] always gets it dead right. Any way, pulled the bacon butty and chips out of the big purse and you’d think I’d brought the old boy a hooker! Gummed it half to death, but oh! he was happy!
Home to do Downton Abbey dinner with Dear One. Choked on the tough mutton he loves and spilled the God-awful interesting wine he’d chosen from that new fair-trade organic line all down my front. Of course the darling did do the gallant thing and sponge down my boobs a bit for me. Not like the footman would care, but it did so perk the Dear One up. Even let me watch an episode of the Street in peace on the DVR after I gave the promise of “more” when the ep was over. Naturally he was re-reading Laurens Van der Post by then so I wasn’t wanted. Just as well, the dogs were pining for attention so I simply LAVISHED attention on the poor things–they do so love their Mummy! Read more of the Jilly–quite good it was–then nodded off in front of the telly as Dear One watched “Sense and Sensibility” for the 900-th time.
June 7, 2013
Pip came thru with flying colors. Dear One gnashing teeth over it, but Que Sera, Sera, I say. Had to force him to phone Mummy and express relief. Practically had to write cue cards. It’s hell when one’s parents are so determined to outlive one, isn’t it?
Managed a quick tumble in the hay with Dear One–he’s really so sweet about it. Didn’t mention that another tampon voucher came in the post today. Let him wallow about on my boobs while I got another ep of the Street in on the DVR. He’s really such a lamb.
June 8, 2013
Saw Dear One off on his horse for the Trooping rehearsal. Whinged endlessly about the heat and the bloody bearskin. Promised him a lovely massage with that organic olive oil he loves (does wonders on saddle sores!) after and he went right out the door like a good little soldier! Was just getting going with Coro Street on the DVR when my phone blared the Stones “Satisfaction” so I paused it to natter with Pip who was still a tad loopy from the Op. He’d had a grand sponging off from a Philipino nurse and wanted her to get in the next Honour’s List. What a hoot! Imagine little David’s eyes popping over at 10 Downing on THAT request!
Sadly, Dear One went into a coma of ecstacy listening to Elgar on what he insists on calling “the hi-fi” so no repeat of last night’s tumble. Better luck next time, I always say. Ex sent photo of horse pissing–such a hoot! Saved it for the mother-in-law, of course, she’ll likely have Haza set it as her screen saver. Such a dear.
June 9, 2013
Press loving Haza saving that unfortunate young man–“So like Mummy” of course. Had to cut those bits out of the papers before Dear One saw it–we’d have been ALL. MONTH. whinging about She Who Must Not Be Named [SWMNBN] and I hadn’t an ounce, not a single ounce, of strength for that. To save the day, I had them nuke some of that frozen Kedegree and lay out the silver chafing dishes for a proper Downton-style breakfast to sooth Dear One and SAVE. THE. BLOODY. DAY. Of course he noticed the damned honey was a NEW. JAR. (oh the horrors of WASTE–can you believe it?) and distinctly remembered there had been two spoonfulls left yesterday in the old jar. WORLD. WAR. III.!!!! I don’t know why I try with these people! I mean, honestly! How hard is it to open the new jar in the kitchen and slop a little back into the old jar and serve him that? Is this rocket science? Good grief! Have these people never had to police the dog’s beloved chew toy or their husband’s lucky pants? Some things must be properly MANAGED. Honestly–they’ve all been to bloody catering college or wherever. This is the sort of thing that MATTERS. It’s the difference between me having a sane day or having that vein in my forehead pound literally for hours on end.
Haza nipped home for a few hours in the afternoon, thank God! Like opening a window, that boy. Such a dear! He asked for a “fag” so I called out “Oh, George?” and as the unsuspecting footman entered Haza nearly peed laughing. Good fun, but then soldiers always are.
June 10, 2013
Pip’s birthday so ran the gauntlet again dressed as a lolly pop lady and made it safely thru, big purse and all. Bit iffy with the fish and chips and mushy peas ponging away like mad in the purse. Had my id ready for the floor Nazi’s upstairs and had the grub to the birthday boy before it was stone cold. He howled over the card–really, where does Haza find these? Too, too brilliant! Even Dear One loved it. Haza’s gift was a poster of a busty young thing in ripped battle dress aiming the gun of a tank provocatively. He does know what Grandpa likes, that boy! Dear One’s gift of men’s organic face toning gel got put aside for the rather outre male nurse. To each his own, I say! We played ‘pass the flask’ as we watched the news–God knows what they were blathering on about, but Pip kept shouting about Tony Benn for some reason. Brainbox must have slipped again.
At home Dear One had a whinge about all the Press lauding Daddy for merely living too long. Let him have a feel of my boobies and he cheered right up. They always do that to him–so convienent when I just HAVEN’T. THE. STRENGTH. to endure more of his whinging.
June 11, 2013
Edith [hub’s little brother] was sent up for the first “official” hospital visit. He whinged about being tired from the Sweedish girl’s knee’s up, but Mummy took him in hand, you can be sure! Only Randy could have got let off, after all, there’s only room for one Mummy’s boy in the Realm. Pip loves tweaking the press by adoring Edith. He’s a frightful little nance, if you ask me, but then no one does! hahahahahaha. Any way, having established Pip would be alive a few more hours, the mother-in-law grabbed her purse and went up to see the old boy. I’m sure it did them both a world of good. She does have a very raunchy sense of humor when it’s just the two of them. So sweet. Must have common interests in marriage, I always say.
Dear One read me the draft of his speech on the loss to British culture represented by the demise of the string vest. No, I’m not making this up. I was trying to catch up the Street on the DVR, but he WOULD continue. A bit long-faced that I missed the joke he’d carefully crafted. It probably was worth a yak, but the Street was getting juicy and I didn’t want to miss anything.
June 12, 2013
What a hoot! We met that tv chap–Mr. Bean or something. Dear One is a fan, of course. So loves loo-jokes and silly voices–right sort of comedy. Quite jolly really. Put Dear One in a very bright mood, I must say. Of course in the car he started whinging about something Mummy had praised Randy for and we were off to snooze-ville again. I slowly and carefully worked the ear-bud into my ear and got a chapter of the newest Dick Francis, well his son now I think, in before we reached home. Then Dear One launched a snit over the chauffeur forgetting the Elgar cd and we were off into more emotionalism. By the time we reached home I was SIMPLY PERISHING for a fag cigarette and a drinkie, but oh no! Had to listen to him practice a speech on the importance of children being taught “proper handwriting” with quill pens no doubt, but I was AGAIN trying to get thru JUST ONE BLEEDING EPISODE of the Street and so didn’t listen very carefully.
The Boy called to chime in with how Preggy is doing. Honestly! You’d think no one else ever had a baby! It took me four days to convince her that Dear One’s awful somewhat tasteless organic Stilton was totally FAT FREE and she could eat it (well, it DID help with the vomiting, but we all know that was self-inflicted. The Boy certainly stayed true to Mummy, didn’t he?). A whopper of a lie on the Stilton of course, but she was debating if smoking or starving was better to survive the “fat” she’s “piled on.” Oh cue the violins for Christ’s Sake! I put on more weight before a period than she’s done in all the month’s of the Century’s Most Important Pregnancy. A sprog in the womb must EAT, I say.
Manged to have a stiff one while Dear One soaked in the tub with an organic vegetable face mask and even managed TWO ENTIRE eps of the Street in TOTAL PEACE with the dogs in my lap. Heaven!