Note: This post was originally published on my old blog in May 2013 in slightly different form.
Thanks to TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” America has discovered Bill Gothard’s idea of “defrauding” or making men “stumble.” How does this happen? If you watch the show you know it’s because someone forgot to call out the code word “Nike” to warn the men and boys to avert their eyes. Without the warning they could see a women immodestly dressed and be led to think unholy or impure thoughts–hence they will “stumble” in their walk with God and be “defrauded.”
Now Mr. Gothard and his ilk think this only happens to men. I beg to differ! As a service to my readers I’ve put together this blog post to help men protect women from stumbling. The code word to shout , guys, is “Avon” — your wife or grown daughters and sisters will thank you for remembering to say this. They want to be Proverbs 31 women (and eventually Titus 2 women) so this is a blessing to them! “Avon.” Remember it.
Now for the guidance….
First lets start with the foundation of modesty in menswear: classic white cotton!
The classic white, full, short-sleeved, high neck undershirt. Yep, the same one the State Troopers wear–and they wear it for a reason: RESPECT. Women cannot respect a man who is defrauding them with a brazen display of thick, luscious chest hair or smooth, freshly waxed bare chest. Don’t be fooled! At church, your white shirt maybe crisply starched and ironed by a loving wife or sister, but it can still DEFRAUD. This then is your essential “shade shirt.” There’s a reason Mormon’s have special underwear beyond it’s spiritual uses! This shirt shows a girl you care and shows her, more importantly, that you know modest really IS hottest. Save that sexy Godly chest for the wedding night please. T-shirts at any other time are to be avoided. When absolutely necessary wear only dark, plain colors and choose a size larger than needed for modesty. Shoulders and chests can be seriously defrauding when displayed in tight -tshirts. “Athletic shirts,” “tank tops” and V-neck” T’s should be avoided at all costs due to the way the set off those broad shoulders and chest hair.
Classic, full, white cotton briefs–the by-word in male modesty. Not only has no women found them attractive in decades, but they do tend to have appropriate foundational qualities that prevent any jiggling unfortunate movement. Boxers, beloved of worldly men, are far too immodest as they allow not only for jiggling unfortunate movement but allow for an accurate measurement of potential pleasure to be easily… unfortunate placement of certain body parts. Ditto the wildly indecent “European styles”. No decent woman would be seen with a man wearing anything labeled as “European” anyway so we need not further illustrate this example.You maybe asking yourself, how would a maiden or married lady notice such things? When men are not adhering to these principles of modest dressing women’s eyes can be unintentionally drawn downward from the countenance to the good stuff nether regions of man-land with unfortunate results: defrauding and stumbling. Maidens, especially those who may have gained access to forbidden romance novels could then have been said to have “comparison shopped” and find their wedding night less exciting Godly. Fathers, it’s up to you to set the standard.
Swimwear is extremely problematic. Not only is much of it “European” and hence immodest, but it offers the double threat of revealing too much both above and below the waist. Regardless of age we recommend long “Board Shorts,” preferably in plain, dull fabric with a dark t-shirt and pool shoes (not shown). Without a shirt the chest is revealed and, even more troubling, groin creases can be seen and if no one remembers the code word, “Avon,” then women are defrauded. Swimming and beach combing should, of course, be avoided as much as possible as even the most modest swimwear can lead to women’s minds straying to thoughts of wet chests an inappropriate nature.
Trousers, like every other garment, are another mine field to navigate. Worldly flat-front slacks are simply taboo. They simply are not modest! Always, ALWAYS, choose pleated, ‘relaxed’ fit trousers or, better yet, suit pants–both of which have never managed to cause a woman to stumble. Be sure you do not ever put your hands into your pockets. And, key rings should be kept small–they can distract in a front pocket! Athletic trousers with drawstrings at the waist (except above mentioned modest board shorts when absolutely necessary) are to be avoided at all costs. These can make women think of men working out, being manly and sweating beautifully and we don’t want that, do we, men?
Shirts. This is an easy one–whew! I hear you saying! Finally, something easy. With your ‘shade shirt’ on, slip into one of these and relax. Like classic cotton briefs and pleated ‘relaxed’ fit slacks, no woman has been known to find a man attractive in a short-sleeve sport shirt since the Eisenhower Administration so you’re safe.
Or, for a more business-casual look, try one of these: In picking this shirt, look for the labels “classic fit” or “traditional cut.” Do NOT make the mistake of buying these labeled “trim fit” or “athletic cut” and never, ever buy anything in the “Young Men’s” or “urban” section! Remember to ALWAYS tuck your shirt in, wear a belt and accessorize your belt with a cell phone holster.
The following type shirt is beloved by many men for it’s ease of movement, but it can be a source of distraction to ladies when not carefully chosen. Even with your “shade shirt” these can reveal broad, muscular shoulders or, if worn too tight, abs muscles. This is totally defrauding to women. To be safe, always go up a size and be sure to stick with plain colors–stripes can and will emphasize broad shoulders. Be wary of expensive “golf” shirts! Many are made of silky fabric that drapes beautifully that emphasizes manly muscles and makes women want to touch the man shirt to feel the silky fabric. It has been known that women have equated the feel of an expensive golf shirt to the feel of high quality European sheets.
Shoes This is the most appropriate style and brown is the color of choice. Why? Women, strangely, find men’s shoes to be sexy fascinating. This style has never been known to appeal to a woman, so we highly recommend it. You will have no problem locating these in thrift stores, too, so it will save your wife trouble in locating them.
Socks? I hear you laughing! What could be defrauding about socks, you ask? The thing to avoid here are PATTERNS! Patterned socks lead women’s eyes upward in very immodest fashion. In fact, it has been proven that patterned socks were invented by a devil worshipper for this reason! Men’s patterned socks are right up there with European-style underpants and Cabbage Patch dolls in terms of Satanic properties! These are the socks we recommend: Not only are these socks in an unattractive nylon, but when worn in hot leather or vinyal shoes, they produce a rather nasty odor. This helps women tremendously in avoiding the dreaded shoe & sock lust stumble.
Church attire or suits Suits must be bought off the rack and preferably in discount stores. They are always, ALWAYS to be worn with a short-sleeved dress shirt. Again this has been researched! No woman has ever stumbled looking at a man in a discount store suit made of unattractive Dacron fabric, with hairy wrists showing. Our research has revealed that hairy wrists protruding from a badly cut suit or sport coat do nothing to make women stumble.
Ties are a major source of bedevilment for women! Men, you MUST pick these yourself. Women can go into an odd trance at a well-stocked tie counter! Be sure to pick nothing a sales person steers you toward. You want plain, solid colors in unflattering widths. Be sure to accessorize with a cross or American flag tie pin. Our research has shown these are a dead turn off to any woman alive. And, please! Pocket handkerchiefs are “European….”
Finally, there is sleepwear.
This one is a piece of cake. Have your wife or sister run up one of these on the sewing machine. Unless, of course, she’s been allowed to read the books of that historical hussy, Jane Austen. A nightshirt should be full-cut and must not hug the shoulders. It should pass the knees and, ideally, should be made of plain dark cotton. A man must, however, resist the urge to wear this without foundation garments! Letting things underneath bob along Unexpected movement beneath the nightshirt is to be avoided at all costs. There you have it men! Now make your wife, or sisters, clean out your wardrobe and take the offending items to a thrift store no one likes. Your women folk will rise and call you blessed! Your maidens will make it to their first bedding in complete innocence. Remember that code word! “Avon.”
NOTE: This piece is SATIRE. I believe EVERYONE should dress modestly, but I do not think that has to mean unfashionably. I do not think modest attire should draw MORE attention.