Pebbles and Bam-Bam are back at school. Fred and Barney are at the gravel pit. Now it’s time for Wilma and Betty to hit the beach and celebrate! Yes, celebrate! They survived another summer at home with the kids, another family car trip vacation and they’re pretty pumped! Why? Cause when they asked the most important question, “But did you die???” The answer is a resounding NO! Today I’m taking all you gal-pals to the beach. Of course, where I live that means walking or being truly American and driving the two miles or so to the beach at the Lake in my neighborhood. It’s still sand, ok??? Let’s pack the beach bag, shall we?
Wear one, or wear shorts and a tank top or….wear whatever fits, is paid for, and you aren’t ashamed to be seen out in public wearing. This is southern Ohio, not the South of France! We value tattoos that are spelled correctly, but all y’all is grammatically correct so that leaves a lot of latitude for the dress code.
I imagine open container laws apply, but that doesn’t stop the drunks driving away from the bar so why not have a little tipple if you are so inclined! And, if not, we’ll make some flavored water with lots of great faux-promises of instant cellulite reduction. Or open a Diet Dr Pepper–whatever works for you.
I can’t promise Orlando Bloom waving his…er….paddle …but there’s probably some hot young rednecks with sagging trunks, sleeve tattoos and a Marlborough on their lips (hopefully its a Marlborough….we’ll just call it one). That tan, those abs, those groin creases, that sun-bleached hair…..Ok, ok, he’s as young as your son. So what? He’s not your son! Be sure to pack extra batteries for the misting fans. Now to do in that good-for-nothing little trollop trying to get him out of view!
Salted Carmel Gelato? Birthday Cake Muddy-Buddies? Chex Mix? Guac and chips? Homemade salsa. Hot dogs at the snack shack–sure, why not. You’ve just spent the whole summer telling the kids how horrible those things are, but sure–have one. Load it down with relish and mustard and onions. Oh go on! That cute guy is so not going to come kiss you and gag on the onions. Look–he’s …. um, don’t look…. You’ll cry, but dam the little trollop is sure having a happiness project of her own! Film on Youtube at 11 I bet. Geesh, get a Love Shack already, why don’t ya?
Ok, now that we have skipped that little fantasy island, lets’ get real. Here are some great books for gal-pals at the beach. Share ear buds, buy two copies, take turns reading aloud–what ever. Just enjoy!
For All Gal-Pals
Lisa Scottoline and daughter Francesca Serritella have a new collection of essays out and they are GREAT! I’m listening to them on my commute. Like I always say about their Mother-Daughter gabfests, it’s like going on a road trip with your best friends. Chocolate, pet-love, living a New and Improved Life (i.e. getting older) this dynamic duo is required reading for Gal-Pals and Gal-Pal book clubs!! Don’t blame me if you start hoping Bradley Cooper takes up paddling…..
I laughed so hard reading these that I suffered the embarrassment of … leakage [i.e., laughed till I peed]. And what Gal-Pal day hasn’t been improved by leakage? Especially leakage that becomes mutual due to laughter? These texts cover a large variety of classic literature–not just Jane Eyre. The humor is ranges from sublime to down right, almost raunchy. In short this book is a blast!
For the Mommy-Years Gal Pals
Yes, your child WILL eat rocket salad (I think that’s arugula). Read this book and learn how. Or laugh till you pee at the very idea of ANY of this taking hold in suburbia. Where’s the soccer league? Where’s the paint by wine classes? Hilarious to read though. Just imagine little Jacque-son having to put away that word-search puzzle of back-to-school words and do French homework. Why yes, we did bring a second bottle of wine…..
Since no one has written Duchess Kate’s Guide to Fabulous Parenting (probably coming out after Pippa’s honeymoon), I’m adding this one to the list. Because no one, No. One. wants to micromanage a suburban childhood these days, if they’re honest. It’s too much work. But, they can’t stand the shaming that would go with quitting! You can read this and play “remember when?” As in, “remember when we swore we’d only breast feed…” and your Gal-Pal says back, “Worst 8 minutes of my life…..” Things like that. Now, if your Gal-Pal is a Kate-worshipper who has an entire Pinterest board of her own ORIGINAL play-date themes, well….you might just skip this one so you don’t have to keep saying “Yes, really….” to her. Slacker Mom Handbook.
This one should generate the snot rockets red glare out the nose! Honestly, is there anything worse than married sex with kids in the house? Now, if your Gal-Pal is a Kate-wanna be, just skip this one. If you Gal-Pal is normal though, follow it up by re-watching the FRIENDS episode with “girth” mentioned. Or search for the uncensored Orlando Bloom photos and try to picture you and hubs doing that? I know right…. No, I wouldn’t want to help with the Calamine lotion, either, thank you! But what are Gal-Pals for, but to laugh and cry with?
For the Empty Nest and Retirement Years Gal-Pals
He’s home. He’s underfoot. He’s in your space. He wants lunch but after 37 years in the same house he can’t find the lunch meat. Annoying? You bet! But you pledged till death do us part! Make him into a lamp? Maybe not. Compare notes with your Gal-Pal on just how horrible retirement is some days.
The Slacker Granny Book
I couldn’t find a good Slacker Granny book, but if I do, I’ll re-post this. Surely there’s a book out there that teaches you how to escape being your grandchild’s day care or how to get out of those ghastly overnights so the parents can make naughty alone at bedtime. After all, your kids survived a weekly dose of Benadryl, so can your grandkids, right? And what to do with that in-law from hell who won’t eat anything you serve? How to help your daughter leave the son-in-law who turned out as badly as you knew he would, but not get stuck with your kid, their kids and their pets living in your house. That kind of book. Any publishers reading this? I’m available to write it!
The Midlife Gals
Not only will you laugh till you leak, they’ll talk about laughing till you leak… and middle aged s%x and caring for the aged one and….they’re great. And they also review movies. Too fun! KK and Sal-Gal are a hoot! Required viewing from the first moment of Peri-menupase.
Have another must-read or must-watch item for this list? Leave me a comment.
by Carol Carmichael